Jo Stein

I made my first dip on Sunday the 9/8. My nerves jangled as my teeth chattered. I gingerly opened the door exiting the womb like warmth of the St Kilda Sea Baths. Sadly shuttinh it with a thud. I was now in the cold biting wind, my toes crunching on the chilly sand. Each step I was regretting my life’s choices… What kind of  an idiot am I for going to dip in the ocean in the middle of winter? Who does this? As I walked into the waves of the Port Phillip Bay  alone and excited, I braced myself for the shudder of the cold water. However it did not come? My full body wetsuit, long sleeve underlayer, full singlet connecting to long pants and cow hoofed booties had me covered from neck to hoof. Only getting a gush of cold when I stupidly dived under the water. Then oh how the cold raced down my wetsuit! Screaming through my warm inner core I internally shrieked as I battled with myself: should I wee and warm myself up or is that too gross? Can I even wee on command into my clothes after years of holding in a wee on long car rides?  But the cold won out and I fought the lick of icywater by gushing back the yellow spring jetting out of  me the heat pushing against the icy cold water. A battle rages for what felt like minutes but the wee was victorious! I return to a cosy warmth my wetsuit feeling like a toasty pir of childhood pyjamas fresh from being warmed  up in front of a pot bellied in the middt of winter. I almost felt as if wearing my wetty was cheating I was so cosy. 

By now I was joined by some other ladies entering the bay, one lovely older nonna, spoke little English but we reflected our feeling of being chilly by rubbing our arms together and her teeth chattering with a common “Brrr” for good measure. At once I felt like a weak novice in my full body wetty as Nonna was wearing a summer style one piece and looking tough as nails. Maybe next time I will try it without the wetty, but today is not that day! 

Dip done, a lovely chat with numerous hand movements and sounds later with  Nonna and it is time to head out of the frigid water and back to the moist heat of the Sea Baths. 

 I go inside and clumsily peel off my wet black outer skin, feeling watched by those in the large spa. My cheeks pink up as I notice a titter and more and more people are looking, is my bum showing? I cannot gracefully peel out of my slick, glue like attached outer skin. As I step, hop and yank my wetty off my ankles in q very inladylîe l’année. I am a one woman slap stick show for al those in the spa, I hop and jump, slipping and skidding, the lifeguard sits in his chair. Occasionally glancing over wondering if my side show is enough of a safety risk. of me falling and suing the joint to risk him having to take the leisurely 6 steps down from his lofty perch.  overall As I continue my one woman cherade of a baby giaffe being born. I am sure one Baby Boomer is taking bets as to if I will fall over: 10 to 1, or not get the wetty off in the next 5 minutes: 20 to 1, a trifecta is me pulling it down only to realise I did not wear bathers underneath 1000 to 1. Luckily I eventually manage to free myself from the slick outer sheath and drop it into my bucket liberated from it’s drudgery in the laundry. I ease myself into the steamy broth of human soup and start to wonder if I am more a l’obstétrique or a turnip bobbing around in the broth. As I decide if I am ready to further heat my limpid Melbourne flesh sack in the sauna a silver fox and his gamine vixen swim over. 

Wow I think, everyone is so friendly here. He smiles at me, momentary blinding me with the shine in his model perfect some and signing vénères. His  cut locks make me think he could be in real estate he is so sharp and his body puts Bad Bunny to shane with his muscle yet tanned bod. The vixen has a matching silver mane however hers is shoulder length and a sexy Millennial style side part, dry.  Magic lu immune to wet of the spa. I am sporting a less styling drowned rat look. “Um, just thought you should know, you had your wetty on inside out. The shiny side is on the outside, » Silver Fox advises.  « Thanks for that , » I reply my cheeks the colour of a Pink Lady apple. « Right way round she just peels off when you are done. The wife and I surf. » « And ocean swim, » she butts in. « Just back from 8 weeks cycling, surfing and ocean swimming our way around Europe. » She humble brags. Before regailing me with their holiday antics over the next hour in the sauna and a cheeky beveragino at the nearby café.  By the end I am fantaising about being a third in their FIRE thruple. As a mum of two primary school aged kids, working as a teacher their freedom is palpable and it is not without regret that I wave goodbye after our tîme together ends. First dip will not be my last next time I want to go hard core Nonna style and endevour to leave my sheath at home.